


It's for the best, Levi

by morebeesthanyoucouldimagine



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Ereri Angst Weekend 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-21 13:51:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15559119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morebeesthanyoucouldimagine/pseuds/morebeesthanyoucouldimagine
Summary: When Eren left, Levi could feel the joy in his heart vanish. His own tears were quick to well up in his own eyes, a mixture of frustration and depression would fill his heart. He didn’t know how to fix Eren, he simply couldn’t fix Eren.





	1. Faded

Levi let his pen slip from his grip. It clattered loudly on his desk as he leaned back into his chair. He allowed his body to go limp against the soft, worn leather. His head tilted to rest on his shoulder as he let out a deep sigh. 

He had spent far too long working today. His fingers were cramping, and his eyes had grown blurry about half an hour ago. He had sat down at his desk right after he finished cleaning up dinner. He had barely moved from that spot since. The moon was probably falling by now. Levi didn’t even want to know just how soon the sun would be rising. 

Levi brought a hand up to his face. He rubbed his eyes to try and refocus them before he gave up and just dragged his hand down his face. He would be lucky if he even managed to sleep for more than two hours tonight, rather, this morning.

Levi felt his eyes growing even heavier, his body pleading with him to sleep. Levi didn’t have enough will or energy to disobey his own needs. He didn’t even bother to blow out his small candle, it had been dying for nearly an hour now. It would be out on its own soon enough. 

Levi let his brows unfurrow as his body finally started to relax. He nestled himself into his chair. On any other day he would be griping about how uncomfortable it is, but with how fatigued he was, Levi felt like he was resting on a cloud. Levi could feel his breath starting to even out, and he felt himself starting to drift off into a well-deserved rest. 

The familiar creaking of his office door startled him to an upright position. Levi only got to see a glimpse of Eren’s face before the gust from the door finally put out his candle. He brought his hands up to his face to rub his eyes as he heard Eren quietly walk towards him.

“I saw your candle burning in your window…” Eren whispered as he pulled his Captain into a close embrace. “I thought you said you were going to go to bed early tonight.”

Levi let out a huff but rested his head against Eren’s shoulder gratefully. “I tried to, but…”

“You could just try to get some of this done in the morning instead. Or at least let me help you.” Eren chided, his steady breathing was almost like a lullaby. 

“You’ve got,” Levi let out a silent yawn. “You’ve got enough to work on. I’m fine Eren.” Levi didn’t have to look up to know that Eren was still frowning at him. That boy worried too damn much about him. He acted as Levi’s mother almost as much as his lover. It certainly helped to keep Levi steady, but Levi wondered if Eren was trying to take care of him too often. The boy had enough problems for him to deal with. He certainly didn’t need to start trying to carry Levi’s burdens too. 

Eren wanted to argue with Levi, to insist that he could help, but he held his tongue. Levi needed to rest. The last thing he needed was for Eren to deprive him of even more sleep just to prove a point. He should probably help Levi into bed, but Levi felt so at peace right then and there. It would be a crime to disturb him. So, Eren let him rest for just a little bit more.

Soon enough, Levi’s eyes slipped shut completely and his breathing evened out. Eren ran his fingers through his short, silky locks, savoring Levi’s short-lived docility. A soft, tender smile stretched across Eren’s face as he wrapped his arms around Levi and gently picked him up. Eren’s legs trembled as he tried to carry Levi to his bed. He had picked Levi up many times before, but each time he was shocked at how heavy Levi was. 

Eren’s loving smile slipped off his face as he tried to keep a firm, but not uncomfortable, grip on Levi and manage to grab his bedroom’s doorknob. This was damn near their weekly routine, but it never seemed to get any easier. He cautiously shifted Levi’s weight in his arms to try and wrap a few fingers around the brass handle. His face scrunched up in frustration as he felt his grip on Levi slipping. 

As soon as Eren finally pushed against the door knob, the door started to swing open. It seems that the door hadn’t been fully closed and just needed to be nudged ever so slightly. Eren pursed his lips and let out a slow sigh. He tried to push his anger out of his mind and lay Levi down on the bed before he dropped him. The last time he dropped Levi was a nightmare for both of them. 

Eren readjusted his Captain in his arms as he walked across Levi’s bedroom. Their shadows stretched across the wall, the moon watching over them through the window. The stars were already starting to die out as the sky was slowly growing brighter, preparing for the sun to rise. 

Eren’s arms were relieved as he slowly lowered Levi onto his bed. He took absolute delight in the pleased little hum Levi let out as he nestled into his sheets. Eren considered crawling into the bed next to him but decided against it. Eren knew that tonight just wasn’t a sleeping night for him.

Instead, he pulled the sheets over Levi. He let his hand linger on Levi’s shoulder, watching him rest for a few moments. These tender, precious moments meant the world to Eren. Seeing a man so hardened and depressed finally resting easy gave Eren some hope that someday Levi would always look so at peace.

Eren glanced at the setting moon, knowing that he should return to the barracks before anyone started asking questions. 

-  
Levi was about to pass out. His head hung over his bowl of unrecognizable mush that was supposed to be his breakfast. He lazily twirled his dented spoon, trying to help capture his hunger. It didn’t seem to work, and he quickly lost interest in the bowl once again. He needed to eat something, but he just didn’t want to eat whatever the fuck was in front of him.

Levi’s eyes drifted across the mess hall, and they were drawn to those familiar green eyes. Levi let out a quiet sigh of an emotion that he wasn’t truly sure how to put into words. He could never truly define a definite moment when he fell in love with that stupid bastard.

Maybe it was the day they had found the ocean. The tears of wonder and joy glittered in Eren’s eyes. The ocean breeze danced in his hair and a moment of peace washed over both of them. Or, it could have been the week that Levi had been miserably sick and Eren worked so hard to make him feel better. He even went to the trouble of preparing a delightful stew for him. Levi only wished that he was well enough to have properly tasted it, he was sure it probably tasted divine. 

Levi pulled his eyes away from Eren before anyone noticed his gaze lingering. He rested his chin in his hand and resumed stirring his supposed breakfast. He could feel his face heating up as thoughts of Eren persisted. 

Maybe he fell in love the day that Eren tenderly bandaged his ankle after training. He had been thoughtful enough to remember that he had injured it a few days before. It was one of the first few times where Eren’s appreciation didn’t seem to have any trace of his initial creepy idolization. It was one of the first moments where Levi finally felt like Eren saw him as a person, not just Humanity’s Strongest. 

Levi would probably never be sure when Eren had properly captured his heart. And while pondering over it was fun and all, there was something about the ambiguity of it all that soothed Levi. It seemed almost too easy to fall in love with Eren, as natural as yawning after a delightful nap. For once, it seemed like not knowing the full answer was a part of the adventure of it all. 

-

Levi had been a shoulder for Eren to cry on long before he had even considered entering a relationship with the shifter. Eren knew that he could always turn to Levi for guidance, and yet, it seemed like he was trying to hide something. He was pacing more often, his eyes lost in thought, only to deny any worries when Levi asked.

Eren would always reassure his lover that he was fine, but Levi was unconvinced. He most certainly didn’t want to pry and strain the situation further, but Levi almost felt overlooked. Eren used to come to him nearly every night to talk about nightmares or anxieties, but now his panicked visits were becoming more and more sparse. 

Levi was relieved at first, he mistakenly hoped that perhaps Eren had been doing better, that he needed less guidance. As the months went on, Levi started to see Eren growing quieter. He started hanging with his best friends less and less, preferring to be by himself. He rarely came to talk to his own lover, choosing to spend the nights alone. 

Levi’s stomach was in knots anytime he thought about it. People needed their time alone, Levi understood that, but this wasn’t the same. The brilliant light in Eren’s eyes had started to fade, and it horrified Levi. He couldn’t even find the words to talk to him about it. He felt hopeless as the divide between Eren and the rest of the Survey Corps seemed to grow. 

It hurt Levi even more to see that nobody else noticed, or nobody else seemed to care. No one seemed to go after Eren when he started to isolate himself. Nobody asked if he was okay when he would grow quiet for hours on end. Nobody seemed to care at all. And as much as Levi wanted to shriek at the people who just didn’t seem to notice Eren’s suffering, he couldn’t. It’s not like Levi was doing anything either. He had no fucking clue what to do.

Levi was good at taking care of physical, simple problems. When it came to people problems or emotional problems, he found himself stunted to a fault. What could he possibly say to Eren that wouldn’t make him feel guilty and make him just lie? Eren would probably just brush himself and say that he was fine, that Levi was just imagining things. 

Levi often found himself wandering towards Eren’s room. He wanted nothing more than to take Eren into his arms and ease his worries. He wanted to be the one to fix Eren’s problems, to make his fears go away. But Levi couldn’t. Years of war had taught Levi that no amount of comfort or love could never truly make someone forget all they had gone through. Love was powerful, yes, but it wasn’t medicine. It’s not therapy. It’s not going to fix Eren.

The rare times that Eren did come to Levi were treasured above all else. The moment Eren knocked on his office door, Levi would throw aside all his paperwork and focus solely on Eren. The few moments he had with Eren were precious. He tried his hardest to be tender and loving without making Eren feel uncomfortable for new reasons. A simple kiss to the forehead and a tight embrace seemed to be what Eren enjoyed most in these moments.

When Eren left, Levi could feel the joy in his heart vanish. His own tears were quick to well up in his own eyes, a mixture of frustration and depression would fill his heart. He didn’t know how to fix Eren, he simply couldn’t fix Eren. 

Levi wasn’t a stranger to watching people he loved dearly slowly fall apart. But this time, it just felt like Levi himself didn’t have anyone to turn to. He had lost so many people over the years, and the ones he had left were distracted with their own battles. 

Commander Hanji was one of the very first people to actually try to befriend him. As much as they annoyed the shit out of Levi throughout the years, he was so thankful for their companionship. Their insanity kept him sane and grounded sometimes. They helped balanced his neurotic behavior out. He was the order to their chaos. There was just a natural flow between them.

Yet, after Erwin’s passing, that flow quickly disappeared. Instead Hanji was caught up in their role as the new Commander of the Survey Corps. Levi fully understood that their mission came well before their friendship, but the growing divide between them stung. The bulk of their interaction came from Levi handing in paperwork. Even then he would usually walk into their office and just place it on their desk. They would usually be too engrossed in their own maps and papers to notice Levi come in.

With Hanji consumed by their role and Eren growing more aloof with each day, Levi found himself in more anguish than he had ever known. He hadn’t felt so hopelessly alone since he was a child. The nights he would spend alone in his room reminded him too much of the days he spent starving next to his mother’s bed. When he left his room, he was greeted by the mountains of paperwork on his desk. He often found himself debating on which of the two were the lesser evils. He often chose working until he fainted over nightmares of his mother.

Levi felt himself starting to lose it after days without talking to hardly a single person. He was surrounded by people, yet he felt more alone than ever before. He needed to talk to someone, anyone. Eren was the first person his heart yearned for, but Levi hesitated. He could feel a breakdown threatening to erupt. The last thing Eren needed was to carry his Captain’s emotional burdens. 

But who else could he talk to? He cared for the rest of his squad, but they didn’t know him like Hanji and Eren did. If he broke down in front of them it would be more painfully embarrassing than anything else. They had only ever seen his emotionless “Humanity’s Strongest” façade. Showing them anything other than that would certainly change how they saw him. 

No, it had to be Hanji or Eren. They were the only ones who could even handle him at his worst, most defeated moments. Levi swallowed and stepped out of his office. He hid his yearning for comfort behind a stoic mask. He forced himself to hide his natural, human weaknesses for just a little bit longer.

Levi didn’t have a particular destination in mind as he just started walking. He needed to get as far away from his office and bedroom as he could. There was nothing good for him in there, only remnants of nightmares. 

Levi passed a few soldiers as he walked, but none of them so much as looked at him. It was as if he was invisible, as if he wasn’t deserving of their attention. A spark of anger burned within his somber heart. He might not have much left, but he still had his title, he still deserved the respect of his troops. If he hadn’t been so close to the brink of a breakdown, Levi would have demanded some form of acknowledgement from the soldiers. Instead, Levi just miserably watched them walk past him. 

All he could do was let out a shaky sigh and keep walking through the building. He found himself passing by Commander Hanji’s office. Their door was ajar, as if it was welcoming Levi inside. Levi swallowed and hesitantly stepped in front of the door. 

He could barely see Hanji behind a lopsided pile of files and books. The only way he could really tell it was them was the thin ribbons of smoke rising into the air. It repulsed Levi to see them turn to tobacco for a sense of stability, but Hanji certainly needed it. They no longer had the support of Erwin or Moblit at their side.

The heavy scent of smoke assaulted Levi’s nose, pushing him further away from the room. He could hear the Commander’s frustrated muttering as they went over strategies and resources. They were fighting the impossible fight here, and Hanji needed every moment they had to try and give them the best chances out there.

Levi stood awkwardly outside their door for a few minutes. Levi needed to talk to someone, anyone about what he was feeling, but surely Hanji’s time was more valuable elsewhere. Levi cast his eyes to the ground and kept walking. The smell of smoke was the only thing to accompany him as he walked towards the barracks. 

The doors were wide open, letting air circulate through the cramped rooms, trying to get rid of the stench of sweat and grime. No amount of cleaning could ever get their living quarters smelling halfway decent. Levi tried to make his trips down to this area as rare as possible. 

The barracks seemed to be almost entirely vacant. Levi’s brows furrowed, his lips pursing in confusion. He would have expected more people taking their off time to relax and rest, yet he saw no one. The entire atmosphere of the headquarters just felt off. Levi found himself feeling more lost and alone than before. He dragged his feet as he walked past the rows of bunk beds. 

“Captain?” A quiet, but instantly recognizable voice called out.

Levi stopped in his tracks, his head whipped around to see Eren huddled in a corner. “What…” Levi’s voice trailed off as he slowly approached the shifter. “What are you doing here all alone?”

“I…” Eren’s eyes didn’t quite meet Levi’s. It was as if he was staring right past him. “I needed to be alone. I just… the others…” He lowered his eyes. “The others don’t seem to understand anymore. You don’t even seem to understand anymore.”

Levi let out a shuddered gasp, Eren’s words acted as an unintentional dagger in his heart. Levi crouched down so that he was on the same level as his lover. “Then make me understand.” 

But Eren did not reply. He kept his eyes to the floor, deathly still. It was as if he hadn’t even heard Levi’s words, like they weren’t worth listening to. They were in this together weren’t they? Eren still cared for him, right? Didn’t Eren want Levi to be there for him?

 

“Eren?” Levi gently shook his shoulders, but still got no response from the boy. Levi swallowed and gently placed his fingers under Eren’s chin and forced him to look up. Eren looked up, but his eyes weren’t the ones Levi fell in love with. Those beautiful green eyes that could rival the ocean looked pale and glassy. Levi took a sharp breath in and staggered back.

As soon as Levi let go of Eren’s chin, his head fell back down again, his eyes staring right into the floor. Levi put a hand to his chest, his heart thundering in his ribcage. Oh, fucking god, what was he supposed to do about this?

He had seen Eren space out many times before, but this… this wasn’t like that. There was something else at play here. “Eren?” Levi called out in vain once more, his lip trembled. He could feel his looming breakdown growing closer and closer.

In the past, Eren seemed to respond well to being left alone. Maybe that would work here, right? It had to. Eren was going to be fine.

He had to be fine.

Right?

Levi swallowed, his legs trembling as his eyes started to water. 

Why couldn’t things just go back to the way they were?

-  
Levi didn’t sleep that night. He lay awake fretting over Eren. He couldn’t help protect Eren. He didn’t seem to have any power in this situation. He needed to be there for Eren, but what in the goddamn hell was he supposed to do.

He used to be able to see reasonable solutions (or at least marginally reasonable solutions) without much effort. His whole “do what you regret least” spiel was always based on his own internal compass working well. But now, he just felt completely in the dark. His instincts were stunted, and he had never seen Eren this broken. 

The call to breakfast came before Levi’s eyes even had a chance to droop. He kept staring at his bedroom ceiling for a few minutes before eventually forcing himself off his hardly used bed. Sleepless nights weren’t new to Levi, but that night felt like it took years off of his life. 

The walk down to the mess hall was disorienting. The lights seemed too bright. People seemed to be talking just a little too loudly. There seemed to be even more soldiers present than usual. Levi kept glancing around, wondering if this was all some sort of fucked up dream. 

Levi finally felt a wave of relief when he saw Eren sitting and eating his breakfast. He looked miserable and lonely, but his eyes weren’t faded, and he was actually moving. Levi didn’t hesitate to walk over to him.

Eren’s eyes grew wide with surprise as Levi sat down across from him. “Sir?” He whispered.

“Are you alright from last night?” Levi cut right to the point. This damn bastard kept him up all night worrying, the least he could do was waste as little time possible.

“Last night?” Eren’s brows furrowed. His spoon clinked loudly against his metal bowl, making Levi wince. “I just spent some time to myself last night.”

Levi looked into Eren’s eyes for any sign of irony or humor. He seemed entirely serious. “You were alone for the entire night? No one came to talk to you?”

“No, not at all.” Eren shrugged, twirling his spoon in his mush.

“I see…” Levi’s voice trailed off. The bizarre tension between them made Levi’s heart ache. He should say something else to Eren. He should tell him just how much he misses him, how much he wants Eren to come back to him.

But Levi didn’t.  
Instead he stood up and walked away, unsure if Eren really had frozen up last night.

It felt like he was losing his damn mind.


	2. Damaged

Levi struggled to stay as close to Eren as he would have liked. While Levi grew more accustomed to the new-found workloads of his new duties, Eren seemed to be under more and more stress. Those stresses only served to worsen his black outs. The more free time Levi had to try and reach out to his lover, the more he was met with the same set of dead eyes.

The reprieves between his black outs seemed to be growing shorter and shorter. Weeks apart quickly turned to days apart, days into hours. Now, it seemed almost impossible to carry on a lengthy conversation without it cutting off into dead silence. 

Levi had tried anything within reason to try and get Eren to snap out of it, to return to reality. Nothing seemed to have much of an effect. He tried to look for warning signs, clues, patterns, anything. Nothing he looked into could give him a fraction of an idea of what to do. Levi felt lost above all else as he stared into Eren’s pale, cold eyes.

Since Levi spent more time with Eren than anyone else, he was the one graced with seeing the broken side of him. When Eren suddenly went stiff in front of others, Levi was there to get him out of the situation. The less people knew about Eren’s black outs, the better. Levi just wished that he could hide Eren away from it all, that he could let the boy rest. 

But, Levi could not hide Eren forever. 

Jean was the first to see Eren black out completely. In a panic, he called Mikasa and Armin for help. Their distressed calling of Eren’s name was enough to draw Levi’s attention, but the sounds of them trying to get him to snap out of it pushed Levi into a full sprint. When Levi rounded the corner, he saw a glassy-eyed Eren being roughly shaken by the shoulders. 

Levi sighed and slowly approached the scene. There was no way that he could help Eren out of the room and tell them to forget what they saw. He might have been able to bribe Kirstein with a meager salary raise, but Mikasa and Armin weren’t about to ignore Eren’s condition.

When they explained the situation to him and how little they all knew, Levi kept his lips tight. He could already imagine how enraged they would all be if he told them that he had already known. That he had already seen this all before. 

The more people started to notice Eren’s black outs, the more Levi knew that he should publicly acknowledge it. He should say something, anything to ease the minds of his troops. He needed to let them know that Eren was fine, he was being taken care of, things were going smoothly. However, Levi wasn’t going to just lie to his squad like that. 

He didn’t know jack shit about what was happening to Eren, and it terrified him to think about it. The longer Eren’s blackouts lasted, the more Levi worried that Eren would never become responsive again. There was no guarantee that Eren would ever truly snap out of his stiff trance. 

If Levi was anxious to tell his squad anything about Eren, then there weren’t words for what he felt when it came to telling Commander Hanji. It was his duty to report any difficulties with Eren. Any medical dilemmas, fears of defection, or signs of mental illness were supposed to be reported immediately. Levi had never wavered on his duties like this before. He usually was terrifyingly efficient with paperwork and fulfilling orders on the battlefield. Yet, right now Levi felt frozen in fear. 

Was it because Eren was his lover? Was it because he had grown too attached? Were his damn emotions preventing him from doing the right fucking thing? 

Levi let out a sigh and let a blank piece of paper slip from his fingers. He had sat down at his desk with the intention of actually writing a report to send to the Commander. Hanji needed to know sooner rather than later, so why was Levi waiting so long? Did he think the problem was just going to go away on its own?

Levi put his hands on his desk and stood up, his head hanging in defeat. Levi hadn’t kept track of how many damn times he had tried to put the situation into words. He just couldn’t seem to manage to put into words what the hell was going on. He let his eyes slip shut and rested his chin on his chest. He just stayed there for a few moments, trying to just breathe. It seemed like it was getting harder and harder to just live these days. 

They had taken back Wall Maria, they managed to push all the way to the goddamn ocean. They had achieved their wildest dreams. They had already done what they had imagined they would be doing after the war. And yet? The war still carried on. 

Levi longed for the days when he woke up from a titan-infested nightmare. Those days were so simple. The hell they went through then was nothing like the one they were going through now. It was so much easier to fight a faceless evil than an evil made by mankind itself. 

Levi never asked to be a part of all this mess. 

A commotion outside his window snapped Levi out of his own mind. He jerked his head up, trying to figure out what the hell he was hearing. He recognized Armin’s voice before he could recognize Mikasa’s more panicked one. It was strange to him to hear such a usually even voice sway with fear. 

Levi’s brows furrowed as he stepped towards his window. He could see makeshift training gear scattered about the courtyard. The mess frustrated him, but he forced himself to focus on what was going on. He could see Eren standing stiffly between his two friends. Mikasa was trying to shake Eren free from his trance while Armin was looking around for someone to help them. The blond tugged at his own hair, there was no one who could really help them. No one had any answers for him.

Levi let out a saddened sigh, his own warm breath clouded the window for a few moments. He could see Mikasa getting more desperate, her actions grew rougher, tenser. She raised a hand to strike Eren’s face, willing to do anything to get him to respond. 

Levi pulled away from the window before he could see the blow. It was too painful to watch.

The floor creaked under Levi’s weight as he walked back to his desk. He let his body slump into his chair. His eyes slipped shut as he heard papers and pens falling to the floor. He didn’t even bother to open his eyes. He didn’t care anymore.

Levi raised a hand to his head, pushing his hair out of his face. His bottom lip started to tremble. Levi could feel his eyes starting to water. His emotionless mask had been cracking for a long time, but now it was threatening to fall apart completely.

What had Eren done to deserve this?

Levi rested in his chair, trying to recollect himself. He hadn’t been productive at all that day. He hadn’t been productive the day before either, actually. He was weeks behind in paperwork. He used to be so motivated to get that shit done and off his desk, but now it lingered for much longer than it should have. Levi really should sit upright and work, but thoughts of Eren weighed heavily in his heart.

How the fuck was he supposed to focus when he could hear his friends panicking over his condition outside. How could he just continue on as if everything was okay, when everything was falling apart at the seams.

Levi let out a shuddered breath, his lip still trembling. He wasn’t doing a very good job of calming himself down. A lifetime of loss and misery should have taught him how to handle grief like this better. In the past he had at least understood what was going on with the people he lost. Dying of illness or being eaten by a titan was far more understandable than what was happening with Eren. Levi didn’t know what was going on, and that horrified him.

But as scared as he was, his work was still important to the continuation of the Survey Corps. Paperwork was boring as blood drying on a wall, but it was still important in order to keep shit organized and stable. Levi took a few more deep breaths, trying to block out the world around him as he sat up in his chair and tried to focus on the papers in front of him.

Levi didn’t even manage to read the header of the paper before his office door was slammed open. Levi didn’t even so much as flinch, but his heart beat roared in his own ears. Commander Hanji stepped into his room. Their hair was messier than usual, most likely from them tugging at it in stress and anxiety. Their clothes reeked of smoke and ash, burning at Levi’s nose. As repulsed as he was, he opened his mouth to give a proper greeting, but was quickly cut off.

“Captain, as I recall, it is your duty to inform me of any changes of Eren’s status, yes?” They said through gritted teeth. They gripped his doorframe tightly, their knuckles turning white.

Levi kept his mouth shut, well aware that Hanji didn’t want an actual answer from Levi.

“So then why have I not received a report on him passing the fuck out on a near constant basis?”

Levi lowered his eyes. He should have seen this coming from a mile away. He should have brought this up already. He wanted to, he tried to, he just didn’t know how. When Levi looked up, it was as if Hanji wasn’t even looking at him, but past him. It reminded him uncomfortably of Eren when he went into his trance like state. It was almost as if they were both focused on some end goal that Levi couldn’t see, that Levi wasn’t a part of.

“That report better be on my fucking desk before sundown, Ackerman.” The Commander snarled before sharply turning to leave. Levi didn’t blame them for their anger. They were all overworked and reacting in their own shitty ways. He would be the last person in the walls to judge someone for lashing out.

Things really were better before they reclaimed Wall Maria. Eren was healthy, Hanji wasn’t being eaten alive by the burden of running the Survey Corps alone, and Levi still felt like he had a purpose. He used to look down on dumb motherfuckers who were inclined to stay unaware of all the shit that was going on around them, but now Levi felt more envious of them than anything else. It seemed that ignorance truly had been blissful during his first few years in the Corps.

Levi stood up from his desk, his mind was running wild, he couldn’t work like this.

He used to think there was something worth fighting for. Humanity had an actual fucking chance at destroying all of the titans and living happily after that. There seemed to be a clear end point that anyone with half a brain could imagine. Levi could see himself battling titans at Eren’s side for years until the one fateful day when they were free. 

But that reality was gone. In truth, it never existed. Levi’s will to fight was crumbling slowly with each day. He felt like such a selfish bastard to admit that all he wanted was a happily ever after with the man he loved, but he found it harder and harder to deny. The brief months were his relationship with Eren was peaceful and loving were the happiest moments in Levi’s life.

He had a taste of the domesticity that he had always wanted, the ending he felt he deserved. But now, only a few mere months later, Levi could see that future fading away along with the color in Eren’s eyes. 

They were both too damaged to ever truly be happy in this life.

Levi let out a heavy sigh, his eyes glancing out across the courtyard. The trio was gone, all that remained in the window was Levi’s anguished reflection.


	3. Goodbye

Eren hovered around Levi’s office for an hour. He knew what he had to do, but that didn’t make Eren more confident in his choices. He wasn’t even sure if he could call them his own choices anymore. He ran a hand through his hair, his words running through his mind. 

He hadn’t taken Levi out in damn near a year. How the fuck was he supposed to ask him out now? They were probably still together, right? Levi hadn’t directly broken it off yet, so Eren tried to keep himself positive. 

Pacing back and forth in front of the door wasn’t going to do shit except make him more nervous. Eren took in a deep breath, mentally preparing himself, before knocking on Levi’s door. He could hear the clatter of Levi’s pen in his otherwise silent office. Eren winced realizing that he must have startled him. Alright, he was off to a bad start, but that wouldn’t even matter come tomorrow. 

“Who the fuck?” Levi growled before storming up to the door. He yanked it open to reveal Eren’s awkward face. Eren let out a breathy chuckle and tried to smile genuinely. “Oh, it’s…” Levi’s voice trailed off, not out of anger or malice, but complete surprise. “It’s you.”

“Yeah, uh, it’s me.” Eren nodded, trying to keep himself on task. “I was wondering if you were busy tonight.” Eren said, glancing over Levi’s shoulder to see an unfortunate amount of paperwork. 

“Tonight?” Levi’s brows furrowed. “For what?”

“I just, uh…” Eren’s voice trailed off, he could feel his confidence running low. “I wanted to take you out tonight.”

“On a date?” Levi tried to clarify, folding his arms almost in suspicion. 

“Yeah.” Eren felt like he wanted to do nothing more than leave. It really felt like Levi didn’t feel the same way anymore, and chances are Eren could have left the next day without any mourning from his Captain.

“I’d love to.” He gave Eren a gentle, barely visible smile in return. “Did you have somewhere in mind?”

“There’s a tea room in Sina that I thought you might like.” Eren offered, trying to swallow his nerves for just a few more minutes.

“Eren.” Levi’s brows furrowed deeper. “I’m the one who signs off on your pay checks, I fucking know you can’t afford to even step into Sina.”

“I’ve been saving up, I promise!” Eren let out an honest chuckle. “Please, Levi. I wanna take you on a date.” The phrase , one last time, was left unuttered, but somehow they both could tell that it had meant to be there.

-  
“Welcome, gentlemen!” They were quickly ushered in by a tall, lithe woman. “I hope you’ve come with high expectations for your evening tea, because we plan to surpass all of them.” She grinned wide enough to put all her pearly teeth on display. Her smile was ghostly white. Levi had vaguely heard of a new fashion trend sweeping the capital. These rich bastards were gargling their mouths with watered down bleach to make their teeth shine like diamonds. 

Levi had to admit, he preferred this trend over the age-old tooth rotting trend. Only the richest of the rich could afford such a surplus of sugar that it started to rot their teeth out. It was both physically and metaphorically revolting. There were so many people in the walls starving to death each day, yet the richest of the rich preferred to spend their time withering away to look even more stuck up their own asses. 

Maybe if Levi had been born into nobility, he would have understood them better. But he was so fucking glad that their world was so foreign to him. How much of a pompous ass would he have to be to put literally lethal fads above taking care of those in need?

The main dining room looked like it had been cleaned once, maybe twice in the last month. Cobwebs clung to the ornate chandeliers that circled the room. The once brilliant crystals were fogged over with grime and dust. It should have looked immaculate, but the effort just wasn’t there. The opulence had been worn down by lack of commitment and honor, something Levi had noticed in Wall Sina long ago. But Levi held his tongue, trying to make the night as comfortable for Eren as possible. Plus, Levi still had very high hopes for their teas. They might be this place’s one saving grace.

They were guided to a small table in the center of the room. They were given just barely enough space between them and the table next to them to pull out their chairs to sit down. It was crowded and cramped, as were most things in the walls. 

The tea set was already set on the table, collecting dust. The waitress went on and on about how the cups were lined with pure gold. Levi felt himself drifting away from the conversation. This was all too uppity for him. Who gave an actual shit how expensive it was. Levi cared about its quality, not how many diamonds were imbedded into it. “Each one is worth more than ten times the life of an undercity dweller.” She claimed, even having the audacity to laugh about it. 

Levi felt sick. Were all rich fuckers so inclined to treat other humans like they could be numbered and priced like cattle? And over all things, did it have to be as trivial as a simple tea cup? Levi wasn’t unfamiliar with the concept of being told that he was worthless, but to hear this woman say it so casually with a smile made Levi start to boil.

He often tried to forget his own life in the underground. Had he forgotten the rest of the people suffering and dying down there? He was seen as a paragon for all residents of the underground, but did Levi do anything to help the people who were struggling like he was so long ago?

Who was he to be held far above the rot and ruin of the underground. 

Guilt clawed viciously at Levi’s heart. Here he was dining with the upper crust while there were children suffering in the underground as he had so many years before.

“I’ll be right back.” Levi grumbled, not making eye contact with Eren.

“Are… Are you okay?” Eren whispered, slowly reaching his hand out to take Levi’s.

Levi’s temper subsided if only for a moment. “I need to take a shit,” he lied, letting go of Eren’s hand.

Eren’s eyes grew wide before he let out a blissfully whole-hearted laugh. Levi’s face grew warm again, delighted to hear that beautiful noise after so long. Before Levi could stop himself, he felt his face cracking into a soft grin. 

“Actually, fuck it, let’s get out of here.” Levi gestured to the door, keeping his eyes focused on Eren. He didn’t even want to look at the other disgusting patrons there. 

“But we haven’t even tried the tea yet!” Eren whined, his eyes pleading with Levi. He needed this last date to be perfect, it just had to be.

“I know, which means that we don’t have to worry about them charging us for jack shit.”

“Well,” Eren stood from his chair, his knees cracking as he stood up fully, “They might charge us for breathing the same air as them.”

Levi let out a low chuckle, wrapping his arm around Eren’s waist. He would have preferred to drape his arm across Eren’s shoulders, but the damn brat had grown like a weed over the last four years. Levi was still miffed that Eren stood almost a foot taller than him now. “Yeah, I could see these rat bastards doing that shit.”

The other patrons turned their noses up at Levi’s foul language, but it only served to encourage Levi’s behavior. These were the bastards responsible for the starvation of thousands. Their blindness and gluttony were literally killing others, but they didn’t care. Levi was starting to think that it was physically impossible for these fuckers to care about anything that wasn’t rare and glittering. 

“What about the date though?” Eren smiled, leaning in closer to Levi. He was already forgetting the purpose of this date. Levi’s presence was beyond soothing, it made him clumsy, forgetful. 

“We can continue this somewhere else. This place smells like literal horse shit with a touch of piss. These fuckers haven’t bathed in days.” Levi grinned as they slowly made their way out. The staff sent death glares as sharp as daggers in their direction, but Levi payed them no mind. He was more interested in seeing these greedy bastards sniffing the air and themselves to see if what he said was true. 

His mother had always taught him not to make a scene, but goddamn this felt good. Fuck being polite, being socially awkward was blessing him with this wonderful moment of talking shit to the people who made his life hell. Thankfully, Eren seemed to be enjoying himself just as much.

“Did you have a place in mind?” He smiled as he pushed the door open. They were greeted by the cool breeze of the summer night. The stars above almost seemed brighter than the street lanterns.

“I did actually,” Levi stepped out of the hell hole and gazed up at the night sky. It was the same sky that he had seen as a child. The same sky that the rich and the poor see. The same that the bastards in Marley saw. It was an obvious statement, but it made Levi feel a little bit of piece in this bitch of a world. Humanity might be tearing itself apart at the seams, but at least the world around them refused to change and cave to their will.

Eren leaned against Levi, savoring the feeling of being close to him, trying to memorize the feeling of loving and being loved. This was probably the last night he was going to feel it. “Then lead the way, Levi.” Eren’s grin gave no tell into the thoughts that clouded his mind. 

If Levi could see through Eren’s deception, he didn’t mention it. The idea of Levi believing that this was merely a date made Eren’s heart clench a bit. The eventual pain he was going to inflict on Levi was truly hurting Eren much more now than it would ever truly hurt Levi. 

Their walk through the district was silent, it only served to feed Eren’s anxieties, but Levi seemed to be at peace for once. Eren tried to keep his demeanor as calm as possible to make sure that Levi enjoyed their night together, but he could feel himself starting to fall apart at the seams.

Everything around them looked so pristine. There wasn’t even a single crack in the paved roads they were strolling on. The street lamps were made from brilliantly gleaming metal, not a speck of rest tarnished their image. More than eighty percent of the population might be starving, but goddess forbid that the nobility didn’t get to live in a sparkling, flawless paradise. 

The manufactured perfection around him only made him feel more and more flawed. Levi deserved to live in a world so dainty and refined. Eren knew that this is what Levi really wanted right? And surely Eren was the one in his way from living a life like this. Levi wouldn’t have a problem reveling with the nobility if Eren wasn’t at his side, right? It was Eren’s fault that Levi felt the need to make such a scene in an establishment that damn near catered to exactly what Levi wanted.

Eren stood up straight, pulling his own weight off of Levi. He sorely missed the closeness, but it was bad enough to be a metaphorical burden on Levi, he didn’t need to try and be a literal one on his Captain. How did this man put up with him and his shit for so long? How could he possibly look Eren in the eyes and think of him as a legitimate lover despite all his flaws and breaks. Surely Levi was just pitying him at this point. 

Eren felt a chill go down his spine as memories crashed over him, forcing him to forget about Levi for the moment. His plan flashed through his mind once more, reminding him why he was there, what he was supposed to do. Self-pity was not a part of the equation. 

Eren steeled himself up as Levi lead him up to the top of Wall Sina. The sheer height of the walls used to make Eren nervous when he was a trainee, but now it made him feel calm. He could see everything from up here. The castles and manors that were jammed together within the district, the plains and farms that lay outside, the mountains far off in the distance. This is all that they were fighting for, he couldn’t forget that.

Eren looked over at Levi, surprised to see him staring straight up, rather than at the scene around them. Levi’s eyes glimmered in the starlight, making Eren’s heartthrob once more. Agonizing pain shot up Eren’s spine once more, he was getting away from his mission. Eren’s knees buckled, forcing him to kneel onto the cold stone. 

Levi quickly joined him on his level, unaware that Eren hadn’t chosen to take a seat. Levi took in a deep breath, continuing to stare up at the sky. “This world is fucked.” Levi stated simply, startling Eren with his harsh but true description. “And I’m not really sure what to do about that.” 

Levi turned to Eren. His silver eyes glinted in the moonlight. He did not look to Eren for answers, but almost as if he was just checking to make sure Eren was still there to listen to him.

“But what I do know is that the night sky will still be there come tomorrow.” Levi nodded to Eren, before turning to gaze up at the sky. “It’s one of the most comforting things in this bitch of an earth.”

Eren’s brows furrowed, letting his eyes drift up to the sky, trying to find the same peace that Levi did. That familiar cold shiver went up Eren’s spine, forcing him to retreat back into memories that were not his own.

“Eren…” Levi’s whisper died out as he looked into Eren’s cold eyes. Levi’s mouth hung slightly agape, searching for something, anything he could say to get his Eren back. Levi laced their fingers together, holding onto Eren as if he was going to disappear at any moment. “It took me too damn long to realize it, but…” Levi’s words trailed off once more, his eyes flickering over Eren’s face, hoping for any reaction. “You are my dark sky. You’re what I wanted to be with once this shit’s all over with. I want you and I to be able to look over all this shit and know we made the best choices that we could.”

Eren remained silent, Levi’s words didn’t seem to get through to him at all. His vacant expression hid the very thundering of his heart, the desire to reach out and pull Levi close. He wanted to be able to reciprocate Levi’s words and longed to live a long life with his Captain, but…

That wasn’t an option anymore.

Levi hesitantly kept confessing his hopes and dreams to Eren. To protect his already fractured heart and mind, Eren let himself drift away from the present. He allowed himself to become a recluse within his own mind. He needed to think, to breathe. As much as he had once loved Levi above all else, he needed to let go of him. It would be better for both their sakes. 

He needed to focus on what lied directly ahead of him, not some preposterous fairytale ending that Levi had dreamed about for so long. He needed to take a step in the right direction, no matter how irredeemable that step was. No matter how wicked he would look in the eyes of his friends and family. Dark times call for even darker measures, and if no one else was up to the task, Eren would have to go forth. He would sacrifice everything for humanity, even his love, his Levi.

“Eren…” Levi’s whimper cut through the haze of his thoughts. Eren blinked to focus on the man in front of him. Tears threatened to fall from Levi’s eyes, just about to run down his porcelain skin. “…are you even listening to me?” Levi rasped out, his brows furrowed. His lower lip quivered as he looked deeply into Eren’s eyes, looking for any resemblance of the man he once loved.

Eren swallowed and tried to pull his hand from Levi’s. His Captain’s grip was tight in desperation, but as soon as Eren tried to pull away, Levi’s grip loosened. His hand hovered there, his fingers still splayed out as if he was still holding the ghost of Eren’s hand. 

It was pathetic, really, to see a man admired for his strength look so helpless and lost. Levi had slain countless titans, pushed through an endless war, only to be defeated by a blank stare and tight lips. Eren slowly stood to his feet, his knees cracking in protest. Levi could only look up at him, still frozen on the ground. His hand still hovered in the air, trembling.

“Goodbye, Levi.” 

Eren turned and left, leaving Levi behind on top of the wall. He could hear the tears finally running down Levi’s cheeks and the agonizing whimpers of hurt and confusion, but Eren did not turn to look at him.

He kept moving forward.


End file.
